Kids Say the Strangest Things
Reasons not to mess with children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and
thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or! ' That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The Barber Shop
A young boy enters a barber shop...
...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of
tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are
you?" Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for
him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.-Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote.-Age 10
Home is where the house is.-Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.-Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.-Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
happens to cheese when you leave it out.-Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth, that most of us go to hell and burn
eternally, but I didn't want to upset him.-Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right
and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I
live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show
him a copy
of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more
four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of
matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the
night lighting farts.-Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.-Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
a lawn mower.-Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there
big fire and everyone died.-Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.-Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
saved up.-Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.-Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
be right there.-Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then imagine if
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number
could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
or "Isn't it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right? -Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
Irony Design's Fun Shop - Funny, sarcastic, rude & offensive, attitude, religious humor, and more on T-Shirts, Mugs, Buttons, Magnets, Stickers, and more!