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Kids Say the Strangest Things

Reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or! ' That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

 


GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."


 

 From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 
were asked to  imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

 

 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I

 don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash

clothes on  the last day of their life? --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept

the  things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.-Age 13

 

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,

like  they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people

voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long

weekends.-Age 8

 

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just

any  old yokel vote.-Age 10

 

Home is where the house is.-Age 6

 

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.-Age 13

 

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some

people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.-Age 15

 

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then

the  astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what

happens to cheese when you leave it out.-Age 6

 

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we

get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should

have told him the truth, that most of us go to hell and burn 

eternally, but I didn't want to upset him.-Age 10

 

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at

which  Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear

beside  me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die

and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I

live in  the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy

of  the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than

four  basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen

matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the

night lighting farts.-Age 15

 

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have

lost  the nose hair and the old-man smell.-Age 5

 

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just

a  lawn mower.-Age 11

 

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that

the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water

for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population

gets  more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a

big  fire and everyone died.-Age 13

 

 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.

Then  I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his

stuff.   Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.-Age 14

 

 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few

 minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days

saved  up.-Age 7

 

 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That

is,   I used to, until she got an unlisted number.-Age 15

 

 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.

No,  wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would

be  right there.-Age 5

 

 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then imagine if you

had  that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you

could  come up with! --Age 6

 

 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe,

 "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it

 morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"-Age 15

 

 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no

feet. So  I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age  15

 

 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace  

for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.-Age 15

 

 


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